Veterans & Newcomers Ascend to Great Heights in 2023 Dark Horse

DENVER, CO — Ascending to great heights here in the Mile High City, and continuing a long and distinguished tradition, Thursday night the nation’s second-best-of-the-best performed in what many call the most entertaining show of the year, in the shittiest venue available, for the greatest endeavor of all time: a chance to be crowned 2023’s US Air Guitar Champion via the backdoor Dark Horse Invitational. (To be fair, the little garage in the back of last night’s venue was the nicest stage we’ve ever disgraced in a Dark Horse, although we did have to build it ourselves.) The evening’s performers featured as many new competitors as veterans, with the evening’s top honor going to members of both camps.

The US Air Guitar Dark Horse Invitation debuted in New York City in 2008, where the winner received a $14 reimbursement for their ride to the Finals on the famed Chinatown Fung Wah Bus. The company was later shut down by the department of transportation for gross safety negligence.

And last night, nearing his third decade of competitive air guitar, midwest legend LOST HEARTBREAKER (Rob Nechanicky) finished safely in first place by way of the knee-slide, a Nordic Thunder shout-out, and an ill-advised blindfold as he jumped off stage and slammed full-frontal-force into the judge’s station. For his first round track, LHB went with Petty’s late-aughts “I Should Have Known It.” For his second round he chanced it with Plinko, a modified version of the popular Price is Right game that debuted in January, 1983. This winning combination sends Heartbreaker to the National Finals this Saturday at Bluebird and briefly sent home newcomers and runners-up KIKI PINK (Kiana Holmes) and HAMMER ON (Danny Banales) . . .

But not for long.

In unprecedented fashion and following an epic 4-way roshambo match, a simultaneous air-off was held between Kiki Pink and Hammer On. With the judge’s scores and tongues tied, Commissioner Kriston Rucker determined both had earned themselves spots on the National stage at Denver’s historic Bluebird Theater this Saturday.

Kiki and Hammer both debuted on the US Air Guitar Regional stage in 2023.

Roshambo first debuted in the 1936 book titled The Handbook for Recreation Leaders.

Newcomers Kiki Pink and Hammer On advance to the National Finals after an unprecedented 3rd round test of their chops and simultaneity.

The evening was expertly coordinated by a mysteriously effective group of USAG brass, talent, hall-of-famers, local educators, Lyon’s Clubsmen & Clubswomen, out of work DJs, a guy who brought a spacebag of boxwine and the other guy who later punctured said spacebag to squeeze every last drop.

The opener was a Colorado-inspired pastiche of The Shining featuring local legend and Master of Airimonies, DIANNE CLETUS, backed up by VAN DAMMAGE (Luke Sevcik), and HYPES (Justine Hypes). Cletus and Dammage, creepy blondes in their own right, played the creepy blond twins. Hypes was Jack Torrance. Axes were microphones and the fog machine was, you got it, still just a fog machine.

Twin girls from The Shining buttress the stage with load-bearing cocktail napkins.

Fans who attended the secret and jam-packed show, many of them air guitar icons themselves, bore witness to performances too great and numerous to mention them all.

Sparrow Cosby will not let the stage define or confine him.

Highlights included a terrifying and never-before-seen knee-drop following a Bo Jackson-style running up the brick wall by DANNY DYNAMO (Myles Greene) and SPARROW COSBY’s (Nick Morrow) early refusal to let the small stage define him when he brought the show to the crowd, the speakers, and the ceiling rafters. MAGIC CYCLOPS (Magic Cyclops), unsurprisingly, drew the first spot. He then stated that he would be the first performer to ever draw first at a dark horse and advance to the National Finals, before landing in the bottom third of round one scoring. This is what happens when bad luck is combined with boxed wine that should have arrived at the judge’s station much earlier in the evening.

Magic Cyclops, briefly locked out of the garage-style venue, before realizing both doors were fully rolled-up.

There’s just something so charming about how Chicago’s ERIC VON AIRICSON (Eric McMillan) can do magic tricks with his plectrum, making it appear and disappear from a judge’s ear while wearing a tank top that’s a couple sizes too small. And something about how MY HAMMY VICE (Cameron Hawk) (aka PORK SWORD) maintains his swine motif both in name and act, with his signature pig mask last night dangling from the front of his pants in a high-art swine facefuck concept. Something about how Kiki Pink kicked over the judge’s glasses, shattering them all over the place, and apologizing profusely; yet she never left stage, and the broken glass was a sound effect in her track, with absolutely no glassware was harmed during her performance. Needless to say, there’s something about watching MR. UNIVERSE (Richard Sprague) split the crowd like the Red Sea with his huskier gentleman’s stage dive, before slipping a little bit back on stage, and making it all look like it was on purpose. And DICK DIESEL, everyone’s favorite new DILF, who hasn’t lost a step or gained a pound in a decade of performing everywhere from Cleveland to DC, Denver and beyond.

Pork Sword, guitar in hand, pig mask in crotch.

Melted and terrified faces watch as Mr. Universe nails the huskier gentleman’s stage dive.

There was leather, sequins, and lots and lots of skin. Hammer on wore a “Dare to Air” t-shirt, at which someone in the crowd yelled “I fucking DARE you!” Another performer, who played much of his set from the knees, wore a shirt that read “I Stand With Planned Parenthood.” And then there was My Hammy Vice dryhumping the pig mask.

In round one, Lost Heartbreaker played his heart out to his favorite band, before drawing an impossibly technical track for round two. Nursing a bangover the following day, he explained his second round victory to acting “like a wild dog in the living room. I figured if I can’t beat this song I might as well beat the stage and my body.”

This is the Yin and the Yang of US Air Guitar. It’s the part where half of the crowd yells in unison “world peace!” with the other half responding “get drunk!” “World peace! / Get drunk! World peace! Get drunk!”

The Air Guitar World Championships debuted in Finland in 1996 to promote world peace, because if you’re holding an air guitar you cannot hold gun. US Air Guitar continues that endeavor this Saturday night at Denver’s Bluebird Theater. Tickets and plenty of box wine are available right here.

Saturday’s Epic Lineup for the 2023 US Air Guitar National Finals

(All performers available for immediate press interviews)

DEFENDING CHAMPION: Hott Mess (Rachel Sinclair)

Black Rock City - WINNER: Spider Monkey (Rachel Mudge)

Irvine, CA - WINNER: Rock N'Heimer

Brooklyn, NY - WINNER: AIRISTOTLE (Matt Burns)

Denver, CO - WINNER: Dread Flanders (Saladin Thomas)

San Francisco, CA - WINNER: Dungeon MastAIR (Kate Rose)

Cookeville, TN - WINNER: Stonehenge (Lloyd Weema)

San Diego, CA WINNER: Tyrannicus (Brandon Baker)

Kansas City, MO WINNER: CindAIRella (Beth Melin)

Austin, TX WINNER: Strumbledore

Custer, SD WINNER: Lightning Mike Meyers (Michael Meyer)

Boise, ID WINNER: FAN AirNation (Brian Dunn)

Chicago, IL WINNER: Jessie Spandex (Jacque Messel)

Cleveland, OH WINNER: AirLeigh Legal (Leigh Melendez)

Seattle, WA WINNER: Erik Ittar (Erich Hacker)

Nashville, TN WINNER: Crusher (John J. Healy)

Houston, TX WINNER: Sleazy Ray Von (Brock McRock)

Salt Lake City, UT WINNER: Nicophiliac (Nico Lee)

Santa Rosa, CA WINNER: Legolas, Lord of the Rock (Jesse Lumb)

Cape Canaveral, FL Casino Cruise WINNER: Rusty (Russel Smedley)

Online Competition WINNER: Air Ventura Fret Detective

Boston, MA WINNER: Georgia Lunch (Brittany Diaz)

Dream Big Champion Hennessy Williams

July 13th - Dark Horse WINNER: Lost Heartbreaker (Rob Nechanicky) + RUNNER UPS: Kiki Pink (Kiana Holmes) and Hammer On (Danny Banales)