TONIGHT! Live Blog: US Finals on ESPN
5:00 p.m. Eastern: Televised to millions of Americans on ESPN2 in prime time (6 p.m. EDT / 3:00 PDT), tonight will top-off another unprecedented season, before a capacity crowd at Chicago's legendary Subterranean, in the venue’s first show since being forced to shutdown for the pandemic.
5:15 p.m. Lucky us, much earlier as we our team was setting up everyone's phones went haywire . . .
5:29 p.m. These guys look like they got it . . . right? Right?
6:00 p.m. Holy shit, with Air Guitar World Champions THE MARQUIS (Rob Messel) and AIRISTOTLE (Matt Burns) on the sideline broadcasting, tonight’s competition is wide open.
6:02 p.m. Marquis’ description of airness, “you know it when you see it,” is also the Supreme Court’s definition of pornography.
6:04 p.m. Here's some "inside air guitar" stuff for tonight: due to "the pandemic" (aka licensing fees and our poverty), we had to, uh, borrow tonight's music from the ESPN library. Sadly, we that means you might not recognize all of tonight's music. But on the bright side Metallica's Lars Ulrich won't try to sue us again. Also, so you don't have to hear the same promo music 5 times in a row, we'll be spinning the "wheel of death" with five unique in the Championship Round.
6:06 p.m.: Heard on the street: “Everybody’s favorite part of air guitar: unrecognizable, public domain music.”
6:07 p.m.: "Air Guitar is a thinking man's sport . . . with spandex and laser lighting. It's dope." Funny to see these two legends side-by-side, busting each other's nargberries, instead of competing on the big stage.
6:12 p.m. As competitors are being interviewed, judge Weird Wallace is possibly drunk and definitely crowd surfing right now.
6:15 p.m. Skinemax in his fleshsuit: There is no limit to what the human pelvis can accomplish. That is a very high Preliminary Round score. Same for Cold Steel Renegade and Flyin’ Finn.
6:18 p.m.: Mom Jeans, never has your hand sanitizer come in handier.
6:21 p.m. In case, like me, you’re NOT one of the thinkin’ man’s air guitar fans who knows how to speed read . . .
6:26 p.m. Love the first round competitors who really taunted the audience, like Randy Diablo. Middle fingers and reeled back in air guitars. Eat it suckers! (Hey it’s been an easy year for literally all of us.)
6:27 p.m. All we hear upstairs is, “wheel of death! Wheel of death! Wheel of death!”
6:28 p.m. There goes the music’s boner.
6:30 p.m. WTF kinda mental math was that from judge Weird Wallace? I think Nordic roofied him.
6:31 p.m. Nordic is dropping pure knowledge up there. His scores may seem on the low side, but they are consistent.
6:34 p.m. Eating my words. These original royalty free songs are banging.
6:35 p.m. Shout-out to the ADA with those shades and visually impaired fret slide.
6:36 p.m. Nordic is looking at the other 2 judges like his mom and dad are getting divorced.
6:37 p.m. NARY A DROP WASTED! Is that beer coming up or going down?! This place is fucked. Our COVID-capacity crowd just realized why this show was worth the risk.
2:12 a.m., August 8th 2006: “I predict one say LeBron James will run his ad during an air guitar commercial break.”
6:45 p.m.. Wafer cakes? Devil dicks? “Give it a twirl?” Satan chooses Cold Steele Renegade to go next.
6:47 p.m. Party streamers and confetti cannons in the monitors. There goes our deposit!
6:50 p.m. This is going to be very, very close. CSR might have it, but Flying Finn and Randy Diablo will not go down quietly (they make a TON of noise actually).
6:51 p.m. Someone get Nordic another Topo Chico for those thirsty scores!
6:52 p.m. Following Nordic Thunder’s excessively creepy “wheel of death” chant, Diablo removes his mustache only to reveal another mustache, and then inexplicably opens, and does not drink, then promptly drops, our sponsor’s Founders beer. He asked all the right questions, while providing zero answers.
6:53 p.m. And judge Weird Wallace responds with a 5.4! Yikes! Death blow!
6:56 p.m. Stay tuned, America! Winner will be announced following these wonderful ads. These targeted commercials really understand the demo: copper enhanced sock, Hanes boxer briefs with junk support, and Aldi!
6:57 p.m. FLYING FINN (Andrew Finn) WINS THE 2021 US AIR GUITAR CHAMPIONSHIPS!!
