Champions: Windhammer

In a world of phony smiles, brown nosers, and of course industry douchebags, it’s refreshing to meet someone and truly know where you stand.  Such is the case with today’s Champion, the ginger ninja, the man who hates puppies and butterflies, the one and only WINDHAMMER (Rob Weychert). 

He’s the iratest!

On stage, Masters of Airemonies BJÖRN TÜROQUE (Dr. Daniel Crane, Ph.D) and HOT LIXX HULAHAN (Craig Billmeier) have whispered every possible dirty joke into Windhammer’s ear.  They’ve posed for photos between his legs and tugged at his Old Testament beard and still have yet to see even the slightest twitch.  Nary a dimple was dug when his mother nicknamed him “Fartjammer” at a third grade talent show.  Some pundits have likened him to Her Royal Queen’s Palace Guard, which is wholly inaccurate because Windhammer regularly denounces those guys as “total pussies”.

Windhammer’s historicity is non-negotiable.  Back in ’08 he was competing in a third round tiebreaker air-off against AIRISTOTLE, and because I had just discovered my point-and-shoot’s video button I recorded the whole thing and uploaded it to youtube.  For the rest of the tour, in every new city we’d find a handful Windhammer copycats – can they be called cover-cover artists? – editing their own 60 second Skid Row tracks and practicing night and day to pull off a believable impersonation of their idol who himself was given only one opportunity to listen to our Skid Row edit when he won the tiebreaker in Philly.

Of course, Windhammer’s style is all his own.  No frills, no tricks, pure rock.  His air guitar is easily twice the size of most others’, three times as heavy, and also never smiles.  Although today I suspect he may crack, as we bestow upon Windhammer via limited edition jpeg USAG’s highest honor except for the Legends Cards which are rigged anyway.

Did you know we keep an archive of all this nonsense in the Historical Documents repository?


Boom Shalock Lock Boom, as always, to LT. FACEMELTER for his mad graphic design skillz.

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